A visual record of my day-to-day impressions: the people, the things and the places.
Believe in the S
A Sinterklaas float rode through my tiny town today. His Holy Highness was being pulled by a tractor. He came to warm us to another season of superfluous spending and child-parent guilt-tripping agony. It’s quite surprising that in our high-tech age this kind of myth still manages to thrive. Ah, yes, forgot the ‘S’ part.…
Worldly pleasures lose their meaning
As death approached, Jenny slowly gave up even the smallest of pleasures. She was a lover of the good life and someone who knew how to have a good time. As a stewardess, she had seen the world, mostly with a glass in her hand. While in hospital, she told me about her time in…
We were good at making love
I was happy when Jenny finally reunited with her ex-husband and father of all of her 5 children, who came to visit her at her request. But my joy was bitter-sweet since I knew that this really did mean the end, even though she was yet to make that decision at that particular moment. They…
Funeral Wreath Browsing
When Jenny died I was in the middle of exam season for my Social Work bachelor. I had to make some strategic planning and move some of my studying for the second exam period during summer, while I tried to salvage what I could of the year so far. My mind was a mess and…
Jenny fly home
Two of Jenny’s sons objected to Jenny having to die in the hospital. Why go pain-free on a morphine high, when she could be at home, completely aware of their presence till the very end, even if it meant an agonizing death? In fact, they were so outraged by her unresponsiveness to them that they…
Hello, Jenny, are you There?
Today we recharged Jenny’s phone to check for messages. Only, we weren’t sure from who. A long lost surviving friend? A bill collector? Or messages from Jenny to us? I mean, it’s still her phone and she still knows the PIN, technically. Maybe through the magic of technology. AI may never become conscious, but perhaps…
The kiss of Death
When we went to visit Jenny at the mortuary with just us girls (her two daughters, my daughter and me), her daughters were shocked at how unpresentable she looked. They should know, as children they helped their dad in his undertaker business. They had helped prep dozens of corpses. We quickly proceeded to ‘liven up’…
The grief of others: borrowed identity
One of Jenny’s daughters expressed her grief by attending the funeral dressed in her mother’s clothes. It was something between a tribute and a reincarnation, as if she was trying on Jenny’s identity for size. As if she was wondering “Am I woman enough to fill my mother’s shoes? Can I take her place and…
It’s been a month
Today is one month’s anniversary of Jenny’s passing. At Hofheide, the place where she was cremated, there is this huge statue of a woman lying on the ground with her hand around an oak tree. It’s monumental and peaceful at the same time. It draws you in and invites you to come closer. So, after…
In the news the weekend Jenny died…
I’ll always remember where I was the morning Jenny passed away: in my bed at home, somewhere between half awake and half asleep. But where was the rest of the world that weekend? After having reviewed some of the news highlights, I thought that it was not so thrilling to be among the living, after…
The grief of others: I want that power
When Jenny was put on the morphine, and the first and definitive step towards Death was taken, it came as a shock to us. But while the shock was shared, the way each one of us chose to deal with it was different. Two of Jenny’s sons tried violently but unsuccessfully to revert the procedure.…
Cafeteria Food
We spent a whole lot of time in the hospital cafeteria. Talking, staring, analyzing the food… I actually like cafeteria atmosphere: no-nonsense, industrial, impersonal, with an unlikely mix of people from the opposites sides of every spectrum, unexpectedly grouped by theme. In schools, it’s learning. In hospitals, it’s health. Cafeterias are always a reassuring reminder…
It’s a strange feeling… dying
Jenny already knew she was going to die when she went into emergency after the minor procedure to change the battery for her pacemaker. She said: “I came here to die.” No one believed her then. Everyone thought she was being radical and contrary, which was her usual style when she was at the peak…
Evidence of Neglect
When someone is unconscious you get the chance to really observe them. I looked at Jenny like I was seeing her for the first time. And, in a sense, I was. I had not visited her in years and I never examined her close up anyway. If I had taken the time to do it…
Already on life support
What I found shocking was how quickly Jenny’s health deteriorated as soon as she stopped taking the medication. What that said to me was that, without us being fully aware, she had already been on life support for the last couple of years. The buckets of pills she was on, were keeping her alive. When…
Death’s Address: Hospitalisatie 24, Groene Straat, Poort 6, Niveau 1, Kamer 107/1
I had to be back at the hospital where Jenny passed away a couple of days later for some other health errand. As I approached the area where she stayed, one of the male nurses that attended us just happened to be passing by. He smiled. He recognized me, and that surprised me for some…
Random tears
Grief is a weird state. You think you are getting over it, and then you start crying while driving, or rinsing your face in the evening, or typing up an assignment. It ambushes you in broad daylight. It patiently waits while you go through your chores and then strikes when you least expect it. If…
A bit less morphine
While in palliative care Jenny was put on morphine to ensure a painless passing. The nurses referred to it as ‘comfortzorg’ or ‘comfort care’. From that moment on the family got irreparably divided into two camps: those in favor and those against the morphine. And, ultimately, those in favor and those against the imminent death.…
Don’t do anything stupid
This is the piece of advice that Jenny gave to my daughter in the last hours while she was still responsive. What motivates the dying to confront us? To make blunt observations, to ask awkward questions, … Maybe because as we die a great clarity overcomes us. All filters fall away and we see ourselves…
Sleeping Beauty
I always liked the Daniel Smith watercolor called Sleeping Beauty. It just so happens that it closely resembles the color of Jenny’s urn. She always did like to draw and paint. A fitting color with a fitting name for her final resting place.
All you can sprite
When there was still hope, and the doctors tried to keep Jenny alive, she was not allowed to take in more than 1.5L of liquids a day. Her caretakers literally counted every drop that entered her body. But once she made the decision to end it, the flood gates of the bar opened and she…
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